Oh, if only the tingling would stay forever… Couples counselor Eric Hegmann explains to us why this is a rather nonsensical wish in a relationship – and what is important instead.
At first he is alone, hesitantly sits down on a branch of the heart, looks around. Next time he’ll bring some friends with him and before you know it, a whole horde of butterflies will have settled in your stomach, lured by the sweet nectar of fresh infatuation.
If they rob us of sleep and appetite at the beginning, after a few weeks we have gotten used to their existence. They have become popular roommates whose flapping can soar us through everyday life and lift our spirits. We are all the more indignant when the butterflies, one by one, decide to move on. They only come back for special occasions. And at some point they seem completely gone.
By this point, most couples have been together for a while. You know each other, you are familiar – but are you still in love?, one or the other may secretly ask himself while he:she lies in wait with the landing net for the last butterfly. Once the tingling in the stomach has disappeared, some try to compulsively bring it back. Others question their relationship. And still others are happy to finally be alone in their bodies again.
The latter are probably the safest way to go. Because when we asked couples counselor Eric Hegmann how we could bring the tingling back into the relationship, he explained to us that we should rather refrain from this plan. Because reviving the butterflies could not only be difficult – it is also not necessary, after all, love only really gets going after the fluttering phase. Well, he has to explain that to us first…
Some think that’s it for love and look for new partners with whom they can experience the high again. But actually it’s only just starting now.
Many people question their relationship after the initial phase: is it really over when the butterflies retire?
Eric Hegman: Relationships come in phases. They begin with infatuation, with limerence, when the partners cannot learn enough about each other. Typical symptoms during this time: excitement, curiosity, brooding, enthusiasm, desire and the fear of rejection. When all this comes together, being in love is no longer just pleasant, but can also be painful. Then there is the building of trust. And now the body is already shutting down the production of love hormones, some then think that’s it with love and are looking for new partners with whom they can experience the high again. But actually it’s only just starting now. The third phase is about commitment and loyalty. The longer the relationship lasts, the lower the risk of separation.
Indeed?
Actually, we are now in the phase of love. You just know that nothing can throw us off track that easily. This calm and serenity is expressed in the feeling: We belong together and have arrived.In short: At some point, many people no longer feel the butterflies, but in the case of the happy couples, they are replaced by a deep bond, which can also be shown in studies. In long-term couples who see each other again, those brain areas are activated in which infatuation is also recognizable. Even if it feels different, it is by no means less valuable.
How do you deal with the conflict of wanting to be yourself in front of others – but not letting yourself go?
One approach can be the thought: Casual but not careless. Most want a relaxed get-together. At the same time, however, it should be recognizable that the partner is involved and committed to the relationship. If someone makes an effort, it is usually viewed positively as a commitment to love. To experience that the loved one wants to do something good for me of their own free will automatically makes me confident that my efforts will also be appreciated and I invest myself. In addition, if you neglect yourself and, for example, do not pay attention to your health, there is a reason can be a concern. Who would want their partner to get sick? It’s about signaling: I’m trying to ensure that we’ll still have a lot of fun together in ten or twenty years.
At the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to invest 150%. That shouldn’t wear off too much later on, if love is supposed to last. Maintaining relationships doesn’t have to be exhausting, but when it does, it needs a little more encouragement. In the end it’s worth it.
It’s a good thing that we don’t constantly experience the exceptional situation of initial attraction. We couldn’t even ‘function normally’. It will be different, but it can also get a lot better.
And is there any way to rekindle that initial attraction, be it sexual or romantic in nature?
The initial attraction doesn’t come back exactly as it was, because love involves growth when that deep feeling of connection and security and safety comes from being in love. Those who try to preserve the Limerenz phase make it very difficult for themselves and forget that time cannot be stopped. It’s a good thing that we don’t constantly experience the exceptional situation of initial attraction. We couldn’t even “function normally”. It will be different, but it can also get a lot better if you say goodbye to the idea of wanting to hold on to a status quo that cannot be held. Life and love are changes.
How can this arrival in the phase of connectedness be recognized?
The deep bond between a couple is shown above all by positive, focused communication. An example: A couple is walking through the city. She says: I’m cold. He offers to take her to her favorite coffee shop to warm up. That is approachable, caring and creative. But he says: Yes, that’s right. It’s cold, then that’s neutral communication that signals significantly less recognition and attention – what we want from our partner. And if he says: If I didn’t tell you to put on a jacket!, then that’s averted communication. As long as you speak face to face, the relationship is fine. If she turns away, you statistically fail 90 percent.
Can I salvage anything then?
Appropriate communication can be learned. I and many colleagues offer live online seminars, courses and relationship coaching. The sooner couples secure their connection, the more permanent it will be. It’s better not to wait until there is actually a crisis, then unfortunately the chances are worse.
Invest as a couple in both the new and the tried and tested. The tried and tested to cultivate and celebrate the feeling of intimacy and security, and the new to experience and experience each other again and again in new situations. This also includes sometimes leaving the comfort zone and giving yourself a little push to get out of the energy-saving mode. It may be difficult at times, but it’s worth it!
Eric Hegmann is a couples therapist, singles and partnership counselor and founder of the Modern Love School