Narcissists are the new bogeymen. And women. But what do you actually do when you recognize your own partner in all the horror stories about narcissism? A couples therapist explains.
Narcissism has been around as long as people are self-centered. As is so often the case, however, certain patterns – whether pathological or not – only catch our eye when they are given a name. Or if they suddenly attain public fame. This is what many are currently feeling with the narcissists among us. We no longer only talk about them in the context of mental illness. Rather, they have moved into our language usage in the same way that the ex-partner did in our apartment, which we will also nickname. We feel surrounded by them. Recognize them more and more often in previous relationships, sometimes also in ourselves.
In retrospect, it is often easy for us to describe a completed partnership as toxic, perhaps even to ascribe narcissistic traits to our partners. They offer us an explanation for unpleasant patterns of behavior, for problems that we could not solve. Nowadays, the diagnosis of narcissism is almost inflationary. In fact, there is a distinct personality disorder behind it.
But what if we consume posts about narcissists – and suddenly we don’t see our past in front of us, but our present? When that small, oppressive feeling spreads in the pit of your stomach that in some behaviors we recognize no one else but our own partner? Is he/she then a narcissist? And how do I deal with it?
Couples counselor, author, and singles coach Eric Hegmann
© Robert Hilton / PR
With the rising popularity of narcissism, some of us may already have asked these questions. That’s why she meets couple therapist Eric Hegmann more and more often in his practice in Hamburg. He once explained to us what narcissism is really all about.
In order to insinuate narcissism, you have to know how it develops
“I experience the dynamic of a strong desire for closeness in one partner and a strong desire for autonomy in the other almost every day,” says Eric Hegmann, but also makes it clear, “While not every attachment-avoiding or attachment-fearful person is a narcissist, let alone suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, every ‘narcissist’ is an avoidant attachment type.” Aha. Just because my partner doesn’t do what I want – or simply has a different need for attachment, does not necessarily mean that he:she is narcissistic.
Not every attachment avoidant person is a narcissist, but every narcissist is an avoidant relationship type
In order to clear up the narcissism a little, the couples therapist first explains the classic subdivision of the disorders: “The expert Rainer Sachse, who specializes in personality disorders, distinguishes narcissists into successful, unsuccessful and failed narcissists.“Successful ones are mostly those who embody the image that is dangerous to the public in the media, because they are usually seductive, charming, very confident and rousing. In order to approach the origin of narcissism, however, it is helpful to look at the other side: “In the case of the unsuccessful and failed, it becomes clearer where the disorder lies: in often traumatic experiences in early childhood such as neglect, neglect or abuse”, explains Hegmann. Thus, narcissistic behaviors are often survival strategies that have been adopted in order to cope with a trauma. These strategies can be such that self-confidence has to be built up through confirmation from outside – and accordingly one acts in a manipulative and controlling manner.
Sympathy should already stir in many of us. But: “Of course, that doesn’t change how difficult it is to have a relationship with an actual narcissistic person“, Hegmann goes back, “These people can’t stand boundaries, they trigger the traumatic experience and they use all the strategies they have learned to counteract it. In relationships, it can range from being offended for days to outbursts.”
Anyone who now nods their head knowingly is not alone. If couples come to him with such experiences, the couples therapist first helps them to take the mutual perspective – and then to sound out what the respective closeness-distance needs look like: “The goal in couples therapy is to experience the conflict as a common opponent – and not each other.” You shouldn’t stick to diagnoses.
Wait a minute, who is the narcissistic part here?
Incidentally, it would certainly happen that clients would stand on the mat with the couples therapist who saw all the problems in their partner: in – and turned out to be narcissistic themselves. “One of the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder is that those affected have no insight into the illness,” Mr. Hegmann knows why those affected would often only blame their counterpart for conflicts. So it’s definitely worth questioning yourself – also because a couples therapist isn’t there to tell a part that he:she should change.
Narcissism is a personality disorder, not a buzzword
Incidentally, if a narcissism disorder is actually present, the treatment should primarily be in the hands of psychotherapists. “As a partner, you can only work through it and not really change anything. The person affected can only change something themselves or seek support if they understand the illness,” advises Mr. Hegmann.
In couples therapy, on the other hand, you shouldn’t get bogged down in a diagnosis, especially if it’s based solely on your own feelings. Because finally, the couples counselor would like to make one thing clear: “Basically, the number of pathological narcissists is significantly lower than it might appear to the outside world.”