relationship
Lull in bed – who is actually “to blame” for it?
© Kaspars Grinvalds / Shutterstock
According to the psychologist, when couples no longer have sex, it usually starts from one side – but which one?
Of course, we secretly know who is to blame when a couple no longer has sex: Wendler. As is well known, we can blame him for everything and we are fundamentally right. And joking aside, after all, the subject is quite serious.
According to the Amorelie Sex Report for 2020, 27 percent of couples in Germany have sex at most once a month – and from the point of view of experts, partnerships in which those involved sleep together less than ten times a year are already considered “non-sexual”. Especially with older couples who have been together for a long time, passion and eroticism often turn from an integral part of their everyday relationship into an exception, which one might get up to on special occasions such as a wedding anniversary or birthday. But does it actually happen amicably? Or is this trend more to blame for one side than the other?
Psychologist reveals: Insecurity in men is a common cause of lack of sex
“The ‘politically correct’ answer would be that it is a joint decision, but that is rarely the case,” writes psychologist Barry W. McCarthy in Psychology Today. “The obvious answer would be that the majority of the decision was made by women, since about every third woman reports chronic listlessness.” However, according to McCarthy, it is actually in heterosexual relationships, especially with couples over the age of 50, in the vast majority of cases the man who steps on the sexual brakes. “It’s not like he stops wanting to have sex,” says the psychologist. Rather, the reason for avoiding intimacy with men lies in most cases in a loss of confidence in their own erection and “performance” during sexual intercourse.
“The man feels trapped in a vicious circle of fear, tension and performance-oriented sex in which he wants to get to the act quickly because he is afraid of losing his erection. This causes frustration, shame and ultimately leads to avoidance behavior,” explains McCarthy male psyche. Unfortunately, according to him, it is rather atypical for those affected to talk to their partners about their insecurities – instead they even tend to ascribe their discomfort to them and unconsciously blame them for the lack of intimacy. Which of course makes the problem much worse.
Fear-motivated lack of sex often harms the relationship
“Instead of playing a 15 to 20 percent positive role in their life and relationship, sexuality has a 50 to 75 percent negative impact that pulls those affected down and damages their bond,” writes McCarthy. After all, it doesn’t matter whether we are 30 or 70: Sex always creates intimacy, improves well-being and body awareness, and lifts the mood. And an (involuntary) waiver is not.
That is why the expert recommends, in order to overcome a lull in sex in the long term, ideally to seek out a: n therapist: in who: who will help to uncover the causes and roots of the inhibitions. Apart from that, it could be a good start to lower the common demands on eroticism and to develop more appreciation for sexual caresses without intercourse, e.g. B. cuddling, caressing, necking. After all, if you love and trust each other, any kind of physical contact is beautiful and satisfying. And as a rule, we all feel that way – regardless of our gender.
Sources used: Psychologytoday.com, Amorelie