Samantha was severely overweight and addicted to drugs. Thanks to hard work, she lost 50 pounds and got clean – but for a long time she found it difficult to love herself afterwards.
Even as a child, Samantha Gorson admired women like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan for their seemingly perfect bodies – and at the same time quarreled with herself. She had been overweight as a little girl and also shot up: At 15, Samantha weighed over 100 pounds and was the tallest girl in school at 1.74 meters. The boys scornfully called her "The Big Girl" and she was sure that she would stay single and a virgin forever, as she told the portal "lovewhatmatters".
My weight controlled my every step, every thought, everything. I was insecure, constantly embarrassed about myself and felt like I didn't fit anywhere – neither physically nor emotionally. – Samantha Gorson
Samantha's weight was always an issue
While other girls in her class went on dates, had their first kiss, and flaunted their bodies in short tops and shorts, Samantha was left alone. She wore oversized t-shirts and tried to hide in them. There were also family problems: Her father had already made her weight an issue when she was little; for example, he suggested that she do sit-ups while watching TV or noticed while eating that she really didn't need a second serving.
At the same time, Samantha's father was often away from home for days – and she used the food to numb her thoughts and pain about it. Samantha continued to gain weight, numerous attempts to lose weight brought only short-term success, if at all.
When she was 15 and just starting high school, Samantha's father died. She continued to numb her pain – no longer just with constant food, but also with drugs. For seven years both determined her everyday life, her weight climbed to almost 118 kilos during this time. At the same time, Samantha did everything to somehow belong and be a part of something: a few months after the death of her father, she gave her virginity to a man who blocked her phone number the next day. "I mistook sex for love and people who only wanted my drugs and what I owned for social acceptance," says Samantha.
How to be slim as the ultimate problem solver?
Samantha was sure that people would treat her better if she was only slim. At 22, she reached the point that should enable the start of a new life: She decided to seek help and went into drug withdrawal. For the first time in her life, she stopped thinking about her weight all the time – and allowed herself to be just a little happy. When she turned 23 and her mother told her about a woman who had lost more than 50 kilos through an operation, she became curious, did research – and finally decided on a stomach reduction.
Samantha-lost-50-kilos-lost-2Samantha emphasizes that this operation was not the "easy way out", as she was sometimes even accused by her own circle of friends. Because she completely turned her life upside down after the operation, renouncing bread, pasta, soft drinks, all snacks and sweets. Samantha was losing weight rapidly – and had to realize that this was another reason for other people to whisper about her. A professor asked her if she was addicted to drugs again, and an acquaintance suspected that she was eating disorders.
Finally slim – but the identity crisis followed
Samantha believed that weight loss would be the answer to all of her problems. But all the new attention only made her even more confused about who she was: All her life overweight had been her identity the excuse why she kept feeling bad. She had always been so fixated on her body that she completely forgot about her mind. So she started to deal with her soul – and slowly began to accept and love herself.
After losing 50 pounds, I realized that I still didn't really like myself. So I started looking inside. I worked on my mind, my soul, my inner child and on loving myself no matter what size I was.
It is important for Samantha to emphasize how much work has gone into her transformation – internally and externally. She has now been clean for four and a half years and wants to help other people find themselves. She has no regrets about her long journey and wants all women to worry less about their size and more about whether they are good people: "The world needs good people who have survived tragedies, people who are at their lowest arrived and caught themselves again. People who talk about what they have been through and help others. " Samantha reports about her experiences on her blog and on Instagram.