Feeling guilty when I say “no.”
5 thoughts that will help me get rid of them quickly
© Reezky / Adobe Stock
Do you know that situation: you say “yes” even though you have absolutely no desire or time? This is how I feel all the time. If I say “no,” feelings of guilt spread. But with a few sentences I (usually) manage to overcome this quickly.
When a friend asks me if we want to do something tonight, even though I’m looking forward to some cozy me-time with one Even though I enjoyed tea and a good book, I still often say “Sure, we can do it.” If a colleague asks me if I can do this or that quickly, I agree. And then someone comes who wants to bring something with them, I’m on the way anyway. “Of course, no problem,” I answer. But it is a problem.
The moment I agreed, I began to feel angry at myself. Why didn’t I say “no”? Because I don’t actually have anything better to do, because it takes work off the person, because the person I’m talking to likes me so much. Because I would feel guilty if I said “no.” All reasons that immediately come to mind and that sound plausible to me. But at some point the time comes when it becomes too much – and people like me, who want to please everyone and say “yes” far too often, have to learn that too. What helps me are the following five thoughts:
5 phrases that help me say “no”.
1. “I won’t miss anything and if I do, it won’t be a big deal.”
If my friends do something but I theoretically don’t have time, I still often say “yes”. Somehow I’ll manage the space. I want to be there too, I want them to keep asking me and I definitely don’t want to miss anything. But let’s be honest: If they are real friends, they will accept a rejection without being angry. And on the subject of missing out: And if so! The others will certainly tell me afterwards and with all the memories we have and will create together, one is not the decisive one.
2. “Even though I have time, I can’t feel like it.”
If I don’t have time, I can at least sometimes cancel. I try to take the time, but it doesn’t always work. If there’s nothing in my calendar and I’m asked if I have anything planned for the evening – but I don’t feel like doing anything at all – my answer is usually “yes”. In these moments, the thought helps me: “Even though I have time, I can’t feel like it.” Because that’s how it is. I don’t owe it to my friends that I meet up with them spontaneously and all the time. I can and I should listen to my body and mind about what I want. And if I don’t want to meet with them, that’s okay.
3. “I’m not the only one who can do this.”
It’s not just in private situations that I say “yes” too often. In the past, even at work, I often agreed to any task, even if I no longer knew when I should do it. I thought if I always said yes, I was doing a good job. I help the others with this and am seen as motivated and “fully involved”. In the very isolated cases of saying “no,” feelings of guilt immediately took over. So say “yes” again? No! Because I’m not the only one who can take on these tasks. I’m not that unique or intelligent. It’s okay if others take over something sometimes.
4. “Others say ‘no’ all the time too.”
That’s exactly the problem: Others say “no” and then I’m the one who does it again. I often enjoy doing it, but sometimes it becomes too much. Whether privately or professionally – I always remind myself how often my fellow human beings reject something. If you pay attention to it, it’s more common than you think. At least that was the case for me. And that’s when I realized: It’s okay to do that. It’s even considered good to know your own boundaries and not always say “yes.” And even if there is no positive reaction, I have only very rarely experienced a negative one. In most cases, the “no” is simply accepted, then the next employee is asked or you ask your friends about a meeting next time and everything is fine.
5. “Me-time is proven to be healthy!”
While I’m trying to please everyone, I often forget about myself. That’s why I keep telling myself that I’m just as important as others and that me-time is not only acceptable, but healthy and necessary to avoid burning out. Saying “no” to a meeting and instead lying down on the sofa with a tea and a book, curled up in a blanket, is a great evening activity, and not just in the cold season. If I say “no” because I want to spend time alone, I make that clear to myself and the guilt goes away.