Couples therapist clarifies
Sexless Relationship: What If Partner Doesn’t Want To?
© Regina Foster / Shutterstock
Is love the answer to all questions? Not quite. It also provides quite a few. Psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
He doesn’t want sex anymore. I do – and now?
Sexuality is not a geyser. What is going on when nothing is going on (sexually)?
Wonderful that question! It could also be the other way around, but here it is the man who has lost his interest. Has the lust really left him? Or just wanting your partner?
It is not surprising that we lose our desire completely at times. It would be rather surprising if it weren’t for that. Moods fluctuate, desires change, we don’t always have the same appetite. But the withdrawal of the partner from sex is so threatening because we still see sexuality mainly as an instinct. After all, what can we do when an instinct is extinguished?
If, on the other hand, we understand sexuality as a given possibility of life and experience, then sex is part of communication in a partnership. Then it’s not about reviving sex in the first aid lust course. Then no irritating lingerie, no erotic soundtrack and no aphrodisiac herb salad will help. In other words: our sexuality is not a geyser. The Icelanders used to throw a bar of soap into it, and what was previously boiling underground then shot up hot. This is now forbidden. And we shouldn’t think about sexuality that way anymore.
Sexuality in a love relationship is the most direct, intimate and possibly the most intense form of encounter. As soon as only one of them seems interested, we have a conflict that cannot be suppressed. And we have a story that led to it. It is important to understand.
Oskar Holzberg, 67, has been advising couples in his Hamburg practice for over 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called “Neue Schlüsselsätze der Liebe” (240 pages, 11 euros, DuMont).
© Ilona Habben
Has the sexual attraction never been particularly strong anyway? And is that only now emerging? Theoretically possible. But this does not apply to most couples, because we generally do not get involved in relationships that do not make us sexually happy. So there are reasons for withdrawing from common sexuality. A secret affair is rare, and sexual affairs often even enliven the couple’s sex life. Maybe the sex is no longer satisfying; Erotic desires and dissatisfaction are held back for fear of losing the partner. In that case, unexpressed shame and fear of failure led to withdrawal from sex. But most sex killers have little to do with sexuality.
Any subject, any conflict who is on the soul, strains the intimate, vulnerable couple sexuality. Injuries through flirtations and affairs, constant devaluations, feeling dominated or not understood, unresolved issues of power, influence or injustice, broken promises. The “no” to sex is often a powerful, unconscious attempt to reach out to the partner. Sex is a wonderful experience. In the partnership it is the possibility of a deep connection that brings the whole range of our feelings to life. If someone no longer plays along, then he has his reasons. Whether he knows it himself or not, we have to untie these knots. And in doing so, you risk that our relationship can also dissolve.
“Couple adox” is the new podcast with Oskar Holzberg and his wife Claudia. You speak openly about topics that keep challenging relationships. Funny, exciting and insightful! I.a. on Audio Now.
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