How can we teach our children to appreciate things more. Here are a few simple strategies that will really make a difference.
Every now and then, as a parent, you ask yourself whether you spoiled your children too much. Especially when they don't say "thank you", take gifts and surprises almost for granted and keep asking for more. Yes, that happens now and then. And of course no child is born that way. So we can certainly make sure that changes.
Reward or bribe
There are parents who promise iPads or a cell phone for great grades and each of us has already promised candy for being good at the supermarket. Bribing and real rewarding are sometimes very close together. It is not a contradiction in terms to spoil your child and still give him gratitude and humility on the way.
The small difference
When we bribe children with sweets and the like, we do so in advance to influence their behavior. On the other hand, there is a reward afterwards, and preferably without prior notice, for the recognition of good behavior. However, experts advise: First let the children appreciate and feel the value of the right behavior or achieved goal, before it is covered with a gift.
Educational loss of control
If we use sentences with "if you do this, you can have this" too often, we have given up control over our upbringing and role model function. The child tells where to go and we parents literally pay the price by promising sweets and toys for appropriate behavior. The child will only do it for that reason. And not out of insight or a learning process and understanding that shopping is part of life and that even small people sometimes have to be patient. Without distractions, such as the video film on the tablet at breakfast, brushing your teeth or driving (short distances, we mean). Children cannot learn to recognize and control their real needs, do things not for the cause but for false "rewards" and always want more.
Manipulation instead of independence
In this way, children learn how to manipulate others and have problems with rules because they are self-determined. And that destroys, according to Alfie Kohn (author and educational expert), our own inner motivation for a cause or behavior: "Do rewards motivate? Yes, they motivate more rewards!"
Influence by example instead of control
If you are now wondering whether our relationship on the whole is not based on influence, you are not so wrong. However, there is a world of difference between influencing and controlling.
Raising children without bribery or material benefits
These tips help parents out of the bribery and punishment spiral and children to appreciate things and to act correctly based on their own motivation.
- Please do not reward performance. A good result is enough of a reward! Children have to learn to feel their own joy in the matter in itself. To be with yourself. And not distracted by the reward.
- When we value our children, they also learn to be grateful and appreciative.
- Make up non-material appreciations: a pillow fight, a picnic, a great letter to her.
- Free time, not gifts: There is nothing that children want more than to spend time with their parents! Take your appointments just as seriously as a meeting for the job: enter them in the calendar and don't be late or get distracted by your mobile phone.
- Try not to use the phrase "if … then"!
- If your child has done something great, it will be aware of the great consequences: "It's nice that you finished brushing your teeth and putting on your pajamas so quickly. Now we can read two stories." And explains how happy that makes you: "Thank you for being so patient and helpful when shopping. So we did everything today and enough again for all of us at home."
If one or the other trick replaces naturalized behavior, we are well on the way to not having spoiled but appreciative children. And not to give up our upbringing. Because "Children are not tyrants, nor do they become helicopter children or little princesses just because we show them love and understanding!" (Quote: Alfie Kohn, book "The Myth of the Pampered Child")