The experiment: The whole blended family under a tree

Me, you and all the others

“That evening my old life merged with my new”

BJÖRN, friend of Vian, father of Ava, 5, ex-husband of Anna

It didn’t look good. I can read Vian’s face like a drug leaflet. And the conversation my friend had with Klas, my ex-wife Anna’s boyfriend, looked like side effects. The two had been sitting together for at least half an hour, nodding in understanding and touching their arms as they talked, as if they were having a therapy session. A bit much considering they’d only known each other for two hours.

Anna, on the other hand, was at the door with Vian’s ex-husband Christian and his girlfriend Barbara, the children Ava, 5, and Ava, 10, were playing with their presents next to the Christmas tree and were happy. I sat on the kitchen floor in a pile of torn wrapping paper, contemplating my new life, which merged with my old one that Christmas Eve like two kinds of cheese in a raclette pan.

After we broke up, Anna, Ava and I used to spend Christmas Eve together. Just like Vian and Christian with their daughter. But that didn’t work anymore. Anna has Klas, I have Vian – and we each have an Ava with a different partner. It sounds complicated, and it is. Such a patchwork construct makes logistical demands with a sophisticated visitor and gift system that has to be coordinated with the plans of the others. Nobody wants that. So why not bring everyone together? And there we sat.

What were they talking about for so long? I got up, moved closer, pushed candles from left to right, cleared glasses, but hardly understood a word because the others came back into the house laughing loudly. It went well, really well. Everyone was sympathetic, the atmosphere was warm, I would say family – in a good way.

I still remember how my daughter sat cuddling on Vian’s lap and said that she now had two mothers. Her Mama Anna sat next to her and smiled happily. In her place, my heart would have burst at that moment like a Christmas tree ball falling to the ground. It took me my time to accept another man by my daughter’s side, even though Klas made it easy for me. And Ava. He’s a fine fellow.

I was basically fine this Christmas, I was relieved that everything worked out. However, at times I felt lost. I don’t think I found my role. But maybe there were just too many for a single evening: as a partner, ex-husband, father and guest. The latter was an issue for me. I would have loved to have hosted with Vian, but instead I watched her ex, Christian, get absorbed in cooking the meal – much better than I could have done, too. Seeing him purposefully opening the drawers at my girlfriend’s made me feel less at home here than he was. Or is?

After her conversation with Klas, Vian sat down next to me on the floor. She looked exhausted but also happy. She wanted to know if I was having a good time. Of course she had noticed that I was pensive. I told her my fantasies of severed fingers in drawers. She laughed, the feared side effects did not materialize. I actually had a good time.

Is this my home or his?

“I absolutely didn’t feel like being left out”

KLAS, friend of Anna

My first thought was: Just don’t drink too much. Uncontrollable situations would have been the last thing I would have wanted to do at Christmas in our patchwork constellation. When we arrived in Berlin I could have used a schnapps because Anna immediately stormed out of the car with Ava and I was alone in the dark. The fact that we had previously been driving in the wrong direction for an hour and a half didn’t exactly help me relax either.

When Vian greeted me in front of the house, I felt picked up in two senses. She immediately gave me the feeling that everything was going well and we quickly found common ground. After dinner we sat together for a long time and talked, also about our relationships. Basically, we are in a similar situation because our partners have been together for many years. I think our conversation made Björn nervous. Anyway, he kept looking over at us and walked past us a few times too often. I like him, we get along well. But he’s too present in Anna’s life for me. And so also in mine. Vian feels the same way with Anna. I was quick to commit to the Christmas project, but a few days earlier I wouldn’t have had a problem if something came up. I had reservations about seeing Anna and Björn in familiar situations. Seeing them smile at each other because of Ava, silently thinking the same thing, sharing something while I’m on the outside. I was absolutely not in the mood for that.

However, my worries were unfounded. We laughed a lot and emptied one or two bottles of wine – without losing control. I think this Christmas together could become a nice tradition.

Will we do this again?

“I was really tense”

VIAN, partner of Björn, mother of Ava, 10, ex-wife of Christion

When Björn told me that Anna, Klas and Ava had arrived, but unfortunately not with us, I could have bitten off the top of the Christmas tree. Somehow the three had managed to drive past Berlin.

At that moment at the latest I felt that my tension was already quite high. On the one hand, because this constellation at Christmas was something I didn’t know before – and nobody else I told about it (“Please what are you doing on Christmas Eve?!”). On the other hand, as the hostess, I felt responsible for making everyone happy, which is why I shot around like a pinball during the preparations and later at the party. Especially our Avas should have it really nice.

When everyone was finally there, I was very happy. It was kind of crazy, but it worked. I’ve known Anna for about a year and fortunately we immediately liked each other. Still, it was a strange feeling when I saw her sitting in front of the Christmas tree with Björn. That set something in motion in me, an unconscious process, a kind of data comparison – she, me, she, me – that prompted the question: Do he and I really fit together? How unromantic! Let’s be honest: Björn comes from a completely different life, and different rules apply with a second-hand man in his 40s than with someone who has no children and was never married. Anyway, I thought it was cute how he got nervous when I had a long chat with Klas: about living with a partner with a child, for example. Or how to deal with it when ex-partners are somehow always there. It made me realize once again how sad I am that Björn and I are in a long-distance relationship. Klas, Anna and little Ava have a normal everyday life together, something like a family life.

When I later talked to Björn in bed, I said that it would be nice if we all lived together on one farm. It was quiet for a moment. I knew then that the reindeer had run away with me.

“We took care of ourselves”

ANNA, mother of Ava, 5, partner of Klas, ex-wife of Björn

Okay, it was my fault that we drove past Berlin and therefore arrived almost two hours late. Almost everything went wrong at first. But sometimes the most beautiful stories emerge from the greatest dramas. The thing was that we all pushed Christmas Eve back a day because little Ava was ill on the 24th and we couldn’t travel to Berlin as a result.

I was very touched that everyone was immediately willing not only to overturn their follow-up plans for the holidays with their families, but also to cancel them at short notice so that our party could take place the next day. This wasn’t easy for me myself because it meant that for the first time in my life I couldn’t go to my parents and siblings for the Christmas holidays, which is sacred to me. On the other hand, this confirmed my gut feeling that it could be a really nice patchwork festival. And that’s it.

Vian was very committed to making everything nice and I immediately felt comfortable and wanted. I’m still sorry that I left Klas at the car. But other than that, I think we took good care of ourselves. Just like the other two couples. I’m sure that we’ll have another party together in the near future. Maybe our divorces will be over by then, then we’ll have twice as much to celebrate.

barbara