Not everything we feel is real. Our iceberg is to blame for some. Our author tries to explain what this is all about and how we can make it shake.
Ever since Titanic, we have known how an iceberg works. What looks out above is only a very small part. The much larger one lies below the surface of the water and is not visible. This is how our consciousness works. And because that likes to play a trick on us, it's good to know our mechanisms and patterns and to put them to the test. Because what we feel does not always agree with reality.
What is the iceberg principle?
The iceberg model goes back to Sigmund Freud. He assumed that our actions in daily situations are only determined consciously to a small extent. He therefore divided the psyche into three instances: the ego in which our conscious parts lie, the id in which our feelings are anchored, and the super-ego, which represents our moral authority and our conscience. Of these three instances, the id and the super-ego take place in our subconscious, while the much smaller part – the ego – is conscious to us. The whole thing is made clear by the iceberg model. Only a small part of our personality is visible, the far larger part, which influences our thinking and acting, lies under the surface of the water, hidden in the unconscious. And while the id and the superego are in constant battle with one another, it is the task of the ego to play the referee between the two. If there is a conflict, a compromise has to be negotiated, which in turn manifests itself in a symptom, depending on how we are shaped.
What does that mean for our actions?
Most of our actions are unconscious. Our actions are based on the subconscious, i.e. on everything we have learned in our life so far. In addition to positive experiences, there are also fears, repressed conflicts, experiences, curiosity, security, insecurity, trust, mistrust, pleasure satisfaction and beliefs – all these feelings guide us. That can also be problematic. Because in some cases our feelings don't have much to do with reality, but are based on assumptions that have been stored in our iceberg since early childhood and that still trigger very unpleasant feelings, although we have long outgrown them. From today's perspective, we might evaluate them very differently, but they are deeply rooted in our iceberg. That, in turn, has a major impact on how we conduct relationships and evaluate ourselves. If we do not bring them to the surface in consciousness and reflect them there, they may influence us for a lifetime without our being able to consciously explain it.
What our iceberg wants to tell us
Psychological processes always go through a kind of evaluation that is carried out by the ego. But if our ego is in a tangible crisis (separation, death of a loved one, job loss, change of residence …), our iceberg with all its learned fears leads us to believe that we have feelings that do not correspond to reality. And then he likes to reproduce icy beliefs like "I can't do it", "Nothing will ever be okay again.", "I will always be alone." or "I'm not good enough." That, in turn, makes us feel terribly bad. The reality check proves exactly the opposite.
An example:
A phobia of spiders. We all know rationally that the crawfish cannot harm us (let's assume normal, non-poisonous house spiders), but some people are terrified of them because they may have had a traumatic experience in childhood. But if you take a closer look and feel your way bit by bit to your fear, it can be overcome. In reality, nobody has ever died from touching a house spider. And this is how most of our fears, beliefs, and assumptions work. Only that they have an even more far-reaching impact in other areas. And then it just takes time to prove to yourself otherwise.
When our iceberg principle becomes a problem
Our iceberg principle can always cause great difficulties when changes are pending or we are in interaction with others. Especially in crises, it stirs up fears that, objectively speaking, have not yet materialized, but still bother us so much that it can even lead to panic attacks and depression. The unconscious part of the iceberg triggers feelings in us that, if you look closely, have nothing to do with the current situation. But even in relationships, assumptions about our iceberg often cloud our view because they never really allow us to be objective, and misunderstandings and arguments arise because we talk past each other.
How do we jerk at the bottom of the iceberg now?
The iceberg is quite a chunk. After all, we drag him around with us from childhood. Once he shook him, he doesn't think it's good that something should happen now that throws him out of his joint. But it takes time until we have recognized our patterns and reversed the polarity. After all, our brains are no longer as quick to learn. Again and again the unconscious part of our iceberg will get in our way. But the more we practice assigning feelings, to see whether this is just our iceberg principle, which prays out our old beliefs or whether the assumption is really correct, the better we can break out of our patterns. What helps is to look very closely and to question our assumptions and patterns again and again, to reflect and to be benevolent with ourselves. Coaching or therapy can also help with very difficult mountains.