The loss of a child is often a painful subject to discuss. Even if those around them think they are doing the right thing, there are some things you shouldn't say when someone has lost their baby. Julie, “A Nos Etoiles” on Instagram, gives us her advice to help someone in this situation.
A taboo subject that shouldn't be. No parent should be ashamed of themselves or feel guilty after the loss of a child.
As a friend, family member, or even a spouse, it can be difficult to find the right words to support a bereaved person after the loss of a child. First of all, be aware that a listening ear can sometimes be better than words. In addition, if the couple or the mother had chosen a first name for the child or the fetus, do not hesitate to call him by that first name. Also avoid ready-made sentences which tend to undermine or even deny what the parent is going through.
As a reminder, each year in France, the number of miscarriages is estimated at around 20,000, or 10 to 15% of pregnancies. In addition, according to the figures for 2019, the number of abortions reached its highest level with 232,200 procedures.
An account to raise awareness about perinatal bereavement
Mother of a 4.5-year-old girl, Julie suffered two medical abortions as well as a miscarriage. In August 2019, she decided to create an Instagram page called “a_nos_etoiles”, to support all parents who went through this ordeal.
She also hopes to educate the world about perinatal bereavement in order to better address this subject, without hurting others. “Out-of-the-box sentences often tend to negate what the parent is going through, and rush them into trying to encourage them to recover from the death immediately, as if, in the end, nothing had happened”, points out Julie. “Parents need time and support during this period of mourning which can be long, so pushing them to turn the page can especially be extremely violent”, she says.
The bereaved parent is likely not ready to open up to you just yet, so give them a call to let them know you are there. “The latter may, due to the astonishment in which his bereavement plunges him, no longer give any news or respond to the messages received at first, which does not mean that he does not need the support of his relatives. ”, she advises.
Here are some phrases to avoid saying to someone who has just lost their child:
- "You will do others"
- "We must move on"
- "You have to be strong"
- "Life goes on, we must not mope"
- "At least you have one left" (when a twin dies in utero, or the parents already have an older child)
- "Better than if you had known him" or, its variant, "better now than later"
- "It wasn't a real baby"
- "Everything happens for a reason"
Here are the preferred phrases:
- "I'm here if you need anything"
- "Do you want to talk about it?"
- "Did you give him a first name?"
- "How do you feel today?"
- "Take all your time"
- "I saw this stuffed animal (or anything else that evokes the deceased baby) I thought of you and your son / daughter"
- "It's not your fault" (parents often feel extremely guilty following the death)
Also, even if you don't think about it directly, you shouldn't hesitate to offer your condolences in this kind of situation.