You are no longer comfortable with your partner. You no longer feel secure in your relationship. You fear the reactions and/or behavior of your partner. You begin to consider a separation, while fearing its consequences. Your romantic relationship has become destructive. Warning: you are probably trapped in a toxic relationship…
Definition: what is a toxic relationship?
“A toxic couple relationship is defined by a constant balance of power between the partners: one tries to dominate the other” explains psychopractitioner Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. Of course, there are degrees of toxicity: “it always starts with psychological toxicity: lies, manipulation, reversals of situations… and this can lead to physical violence.“
Attention ! “We tend to quickly label a relationship as “toxic”, especially during a breakup. It’s human: when we separate from our life partner, we darken the picture (consciously or not) to facilitate detachment.develops the psychopractitioner. However, we must not confuse “toxic” and “conflictual”! A relationship crisis can cause unhappiness; a toxic relationship, on the other hand, is destructive in the long term.“
How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?
Are there objective signs that allow us to assess the toxicity of a relationship and to say that a couple is “toxic”? Yes, replies Géraldyne Prévot Gigant: “a relationship where there is lying (your partner hides things from you, or you feel obliged to hide things from them to protect yourself), manipulation (he/she influences the way you perceive your friends, your work, your family…), gaslighting (“you’re crazy, you’re inventing, you need to get treatment, I never said that!”), excessive jealousy (with seizures, for example), espionage (physical or digital), control of the telephone (he/she demands to be able to read your messages, to be able to access your social networks…), control of the schedule (he/she demands to know where you are at every moment of the day), hurtful words, mockery and/or constant hot-cold feeling (he/she is adorable for a few days, then disgusting, then fabulous again…) is definitely toxic!“
How to recognize a toxic relationship? The violenceometer test
To know. Designed in 2018 by the Observatories of violence against women of Seine-Saint-Denis and Paris, the En avant tout(s) association and the Paris City Hall, the violenceometer is a “self-assessment tool, with 23 quick questions to ask yourself, which make it possible to identify violent behavior and to measure whether the couple’s relationship is healthy or, on the contrary, whether it is violent. It is available free of charge at this address.
Toxic relationship: these 11 signs should push you to leave your partner…
In addition, Canadian psychologist and sexologist Yvon Dallaire offers a list of 11 red flags (or “red flags” in plain French) to spot a toxic relationship. “In a relationship, there is a difference between a completely normal difficult moment and a difficult relationship that evolves into toxicity. Here are the main signs that require the prompt intervention of a competent therapist or that indicate that you need to leave your spouse as soon as possible because it is impossible to be happy in such a relationship“:
- Your partner repeatedly commits physical violence against you (or against the children), Your partner is an alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, cyber-addict (sexual or not), Your partner is a chronic unfaithful,
- You have no compatibility with your partner, nor any common interests,
- You must continually fight to satisfy your legitimate needs,
- Your relationship is, despite all your efforts, a devastated territory where only emptiness, isolation, lack, silence, distance, denigration, lies, incessant mockery reign… in a word: psychological violence,
- Your partner is a manipulator,
- Your partner is hyper-jealous,
- Your partner constantly places himself in a position of weakness or victim,
- Your partner uses his power (financial, for example) over you,
- Your partner makes multiple threats (“if you leave me, I’ll kill myself!”, for example).
Can a toxic relationship change? What psychology says
Can we save a toxic relationship? “Of course, both partners have the option of seeing a therapist together to try to work things out.answers Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. However, it has to be a joint decision… and in a real relationship where there is toxicity, one of the two people is not going to play fair!“
If you have the feeling that you are living in a toxic relationship, do not hesitate to seek the advice of a professional (psychologist, psychotherapist, couples therapist, etc.) who will help you see things more clearly. “And if you are sure that you are in this type of destructive relationship, first think about your own protection as well as that of your children: get help without delay” adds the psychopractitioner. Breaking up is generally the only solution to preserve one’s self-esteem and put an end to the state of suffering.
“The difficulty with toxic relationships is that you need awarenessadds Géraldyne Prévot Gigant. However, when we are in this type of relationship, we tend to minimize its toxicity…“
Films and books to learn about toxic men and women
Fair Play (released in October 2023 on Netflix) is a film which explores the mechanisms of power within a couple, and in particular the economic domination exercised by a toxic personality.
Love and Forests (released in cinemas in May 2023) is a film which talks about jealousy and possessiveness within a couple. With a multitude of “worrying signs”…
The husband who thought he was perfect (published in January 2022) is a novel which describes a toxic relationship between a “genius” man and a woman constantly humiliated by the latter. When the toxic person is seemingly perfect…
Block it, erase it and move on: end toxic relationships to find love (published in August 2023) is a book which draws up a complete list of “red flags” to spot as quickly as possible in a toxic person, before forming a couple.
Thanks to Géraldyne Prévot Gigant, psychopractitioner and author of 50 exercises to free yourself from toxic relationships (ed. Eyrolles).
To read : My pocket notebook, my happy couple – Yvon Dallaire, ed. Youth.
Read also :
⋙ “Single baiting”: what is this toxic and devastating behavior for your relationship?
⋙ Couple: is your behavior toxic? 6 signals to watch out for
⋙ Toxic relationship: what is a toxic person in a relationship?