Discipline and order are the new magic words in the education debate. A fatal development, says child psychologist Wolfgang Bergmann. For him, love is the key to a good parent-child relationship. What Bergmann thinks about the advice of the bestselling authors Winterhoff and Bueb – and what he himself recommends parents, he has now commented on as a guest of the ELTERN editorial team.
Wolfgang Bergmann is a qualified educational scientist and heads the Institute for Child Psychology and Learning Therapy in Hanover. His experiences from working with developmentally disabled children also flow into books with titles such as "Good Authority" or "Discipline Without Fear". In it he represents the attitude that children are constantly looking for order and protection – but only find this if they feel their parents' love and have built trust. Bergmann, himself a father of three children, explicitly rejects the current advice on obedience and discipline. In an interview with the ELTERN editorial team, he explained his position.
Discipline fits the zeitgeist
Why do the books by child psychiatrist Michael Winterhoff ("Why our children become tyrants" – a discussion of Winterhoff can be found here) and pedagogue Bernhard Bueb ("Praise of Discipline") receive so much attention – and above all so much approval? Because they fit into the zeitgeist, says education expert Bergmann. Because parents today feel that by teaching them discipline and order, they offer their children the most security. Because this is the only way they would be successful in school – and later in their jobs too. In economically uncertain times, these values experience a renaissance.
Children want to be able to trust their parents
But is it really so wrong for parents to want to set boundaries for their children? No, says Bergman. But love must come before obedience. Upbringing can only be successful if a child has trust in its parents. And in order to be able to build a relationship of trust, the children above all need the feeling of being loved.
"First love, then obedience" – You can read more about Bergmann's position in an interview with Oliver Steinbach, deputy editor-in-chief of ELTERN.
A love story – parents and their children
The love for one's own child – actually a matter of course. Nevertheless, many parents are unsettled. They wonder whether they are showing their child this love enough. After all, every mother and every father knows moments when the children primarily arouse anger in them and not love. Not bad, says Wolfgang Bergmann. Parents could easily scold their child – as long as they keep the loving feeling in such moments. "You complain if your child lied to you – but at the same time pay attention to how funny the red ears look that they always get when they are dizzy. The child will feel it in their voice," the expert said. Only if the parents are authentic can the child trust them – and learn from their example.
"Pampering is not love"
"Parents should also take care of their relationship as a couple"
In addition, parents also ask themselves whether they are not spoiling them too much in the endeavor to let their child grow up in a loving atmosphere. No wonder, after all, bestselling authors such as Winterhoff also warn against this alleged educational error. Bergmann makes it clear: "Pampering is not love – often enough it is even the opposite of that!" Because: In Bergmann's experience, many parents shower their child with gifts and gifts because they have made it their only center of life. These parents projected all their expectations and demands on their own happiness onto the child. "But it's not at all good for children to be at the center of the family like this," says Wolfgang Bergmann.
On the contrary: These children would be so fixated on themselves that they would later have difficulties in dealing with others – that is, they would become the spoiled little princes and princesses who drive kindergarten teachers, teachers and parents to white heat. The child psychologist's appeal to parents is therefore: "Children need a lively family life and must feel a vibrant love of life in adults. Parents should therefore take better care of their relationship as a couple than constantly devoting their sole attention to the child."
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.