When children beat parents – is the upbringing too lax?

A scene from real life: A four-year-old sits on the toilet in kindergarten and refuses to get up. Only dad can wipe her butt. The teacher calls home. The father rushes to kindergarten and picks up the toilet paper. The child is beaming.

Oh, the dear little ones. They give you so much back. Not just a smile. Also the nice feeling of being used. Education is, depending on your point of view, a very simple or very complicated matter. Everyone can have a say. Entire libraries can be filled with educational guides. In Germany alone, roughly 3,000 Internet blogs tell parents about their experiences. Whether education is successful is always a question of evaluation. The unwritten contract that parents conclude with their children always contains the usual clauses: “We want to love and respect each other and help each other. We want to visit Grandma regularly and not argue so much and have a lot of fun. We want everyone to sleep in their own bed and resolve conflicts with mutual respect, full of empathy and benevolence. We just want to be happy and stay happy, now and forever and forever. ”

The other conditions of the education contract can be found in the small print: “Parents are authorized to give instructions to their children, or maybe vice versa, I have no idea that life is regulated more precisely. Let's see how it goes. "And then it works very differently than expected.

"Children want to feel parents, want to be in touch"

Birgit Kärgel can report this, for example. The 57-year-old pedagogue is on the phone at the National Association of the German Child Protection Association in Hamburg when parents seeking help call the "number against grief". And the parents' difficulties are not a thing of the past: "Parents who let their children beat them are a problem," says Kärgel, "that has increased significantly in recent years. The parents are desperate, ashamed and helpless. They don't fight back. Often this has its cause in infancy. Already then clarity and orientation would be important. According to the motto: stop! I understand your anger. But you don't hit me! "

Then why don't parents give contraindications in time? "Our authoritarian story that we want to get rid of is still deep in our bones," says Kärgel. Authoritarian education was wrong, but anti-authoritarian education was also not helpful. “Children want to feel parents, want to be in contact and perceive strength. Relationship means a game of closeness and distance. But many parents are often not in touch with their children today, ”says Kärgel.

She illustrates this with the picture of a rope. At one end: the parents. On the other: the children. In order to really experience yourself, the rope must at least be a little tense. However, many parents gave in constantly. Then hang the rope. No one feels the other, that there is a risk of lack of connection and attachment. "Too compliant parents are a super meltdown," says Kärgel. "How are children supposed to find their own limits if they never experience a parent's limit? At some point, the children literally beat around. They signal: finally notice me! And show me my way. Children need parents who are like lighthouses. ”Where are the lighthouses that show children the way? Where are the brave, compassionate, consistent parents? Have you forgotten upbringing?

"Everything looks chic on the outside, but tensions are increasing within the family"

Numbers speak against it: According to the "Children's Barometer" of the Landesbausparkasse LBS, more 9- to 14-year-olds feel more comfortable in their families than five years ago. According to a study by the "Eltern family" magazine, 90 percent of all children say they felt safe and loved by their parents. According to the Shell youth study, more than 90 percent of children and adolescents say they have a good relationship with their parents. Almost two thirds of those surveyed said that respect for law and order was important. Surveys indicate that young people's interest in political issues is increasing. Adolescents smoke less than before and start drinking later. The crime rate has been falling for years.

Not that bad, is it? Could mean: parents, relax. But relaxation is the last thing that comes to mind when you talk to people who are familiar with parent and child worries. "Uncertainty in educational issues has increased significantly," says graduate social pedagogue Cordula Klaffs from Berlin's "Immanuel Education and Family Counseling Helmholtzplatz", which has been helping parents seeking advice with her colleague Beatrix Solyga for more than 20 years. "Everything looks chic on the outside, but tensions are increasing within the family."

The image that she draws from everyday life in families should seem familiar to many people. Not only rents rise, but also your own demands. Both parents work to maintain their standard of living. Both are constantly fighting against the clock and against all the unforeseen that the laboriously constructed everyday logistics can bring down. But they not only fight with external circumstances, but also with themselves: with their absolute will to perfection. With the bad feeling that neither family nor employer is enough.

The stress of the parents becomes the stress of the children

Quiet areas to catch your breath are less and less common – also because of the omnipresent smartphone, which requires at least as much attention as partners and children. “Parents often pass this pressure on to their children one on one. The stress of the parents becomes the stress of the children, ”says educational advisor Klaffs. “At the same time, however, the parents have a bad conscience that they are no longer there for the children. And this guilty conscience turns into conflict avoidance. In the short time that parents and their children stay after their job and all-day school, for heaven's sake, there shouldn't be any arguments, no arguments, no disagreement about the climate. ”In such a climate, parents find it difficult to differentiate themselves. To tell the child when the end is. Based on the conviction that the child already knows what is best for it. Or from exhaustion.

How do we best educate our children? Cordula Klaffs and Beatrix Solyga sum up: “Be real, be authentic. Don't pretend to your children. But play with them. Be sensitive, loving and understanding. Set limits and check whether you still need these limits. Gradually expands the space. Don't be afraid of mistakes. Nothing will blow your kids away so quickly. But they have a right to be noticed by you. So show interest, spend time together instead of consuming things. ”Or in a nutshell: more time for conversations. Less time for entertainment.

The complete story was originally published in the stern.