Even if we always know what to say … When people mourn, we often lack words. Only one thing is really wrong: silence.
Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows it: the embarrassed silence of others. The fear of pronouncing the name. The silent phone, because everyone wants to give you some "rest" first. When mourners talk about their darkest hours, it sounds terribly lonely. But if silence is not the right thing to do, what are the right words and gestures?
We asked people who have lost a loved one.
Bea was just 13 when her one and a half year old little sister died of a heart defect. That was over 50 years ago.
"When they came to pick up my sister in the morning, I ran away. I was in the school yard far too early. A teacher who had heard of my sister's death sat down and asked me about her. I was totally grateful to him that he didn't pretend nothing was happening. The biggest problem as a grieving sister is that you have grieving parents too. It was good to talk to adults who weren't themselves affected. Our neighbors and my friends' parents have me too Helped a lot. Simply by growing up and working when my parents couldn't. "
The journalist Brenda Strohmaier lost her husband at 44 and wrote the book about it: "Only about his corpse: How I lost my husband – and learned a hell of a lot about life"
"Everyone who condoled and sympathized helped me. And especially my close friends. I'm so grateful that I have them, there was always someone around when I needed one. I didn't cook for weeks because someone has always done something for me. Simply being there has helped me a lot. "
Book: Only about his corpse: How I lost my husband – and learned a hell of a lot about life
Jan, 30, did not see it come four years ago that his little brother no longer wanted to live
"When your little brother dies, whom you always wanted to protect, you keep tormenting you with the thought of what you could have done to prevent it. It helped me when people endured this thought with me. Even today it's good for me to be able to talk about him, to laugh at his pranks, to continue to see him as part of my life, but that only works in an environment that is not afraid to utter his name, even if that means that one of us has to cry too. "
Lara, 28, was 15 when her father died
"I only found peace with the death of my father when I was able to forgive myself for our last conversation. I couldn't know that it was a farewell and I just acted like an annoyed teen. To understand that and to myself excuse me, I only managed to do it after many, very many therapy sessions. The kind of conversation I was able to have there was very good. Friends and relatives always wanted to say something comforting. But you don't really need to look for words for those who are grieving no word comforts you anyway. Not even thousands. It's enough to offer your ear. "
HIldegard, 89, did not remarry after the death of her husband 27 years ago. Loneliness troubles her.
"When he died, I was almost a little relieved. Finally, after a long struggle, he had made it. The hole I fell into did not open until later, when I realized that I would be living all alone for many years now. That is still tough. My grandchildren and later my great-grandchildren consoled me. It's good to be hugged by someone. It's so important, even for an old box like me. "
Beate Großmann, lost her 17-year-old son to cancer. She wrote a book about grief: Weiterl (i) just.
"Today I can understand why people with grieving parents are so clumsy. I understand the overwhelming demands of the situation. Back then, the often less sensitive way of dealing with them struck me unbelievably have judged the type or length of mourning. Once a saleswoman in the supermarket asked me if I was still mourning. I said: "Yes, I am. Because my child is still dead. "She was really shocked. Today I know: She didn't mean it that way. But it would have been better to stick to the truth. And that's the truth, in such a situation, the words missing. This form of honesty has always been good for me. "
Book: Weiterl (i) just – live on with the sadness in your heart and continue to love
Cathrin, 40, lost one of her best friends five years ago because she took her own life
"It helped when people talked to me about my girlfriend or asked how I was doing. When they didn't pretend that she never existed or that she did something terrible, but when they tried to understand what happened. To this day, I often and gladly talk about Ela, that helps me not to forget her. "
Sabine, 48, was the only one who survived the car accident ten years ago that took her husband and two children
"There must have been a reason why I got almost unharmed out of the wrecked car where my family died. I don't know what mission I still have to fulfill here, but I know it exists. That's why I accepted that I have to go on living. It still helps when people accept the "how". That is not a matter of course. I hear people whispering when I laugh. I hear people whispering when I cry. For some people I'm too happy Too depressed for the other. A neutral way of dealing with my very own way of grieving would help me to find myself again. "
Lea, 13 years old, lost her friend six years ago
"I was only 7 years old when my friend Maya died, that scared me. I still often lie up late in the evenings and think about the fact that one can also die early. It helps me if I can talk about it and Nobody laughs at me for it. When my mother honestly told me that she was also afraid of dying, that was good. Because I didn't feel childish anymore. We then went to church together and told each other how we imagine heaven. Whenever I'm scared or miss Maya, I think about the fact that she will be riding where she is all day. It is good to believe in it. "