Rebecca M. knows from personal experience that it is not good to stay at home for the sake of the children. So she decided: she wants to be a mother and have a job – for the good of her daughter.
Regardless of their financial situation, many mothers still wonder whether they are doing their children justice when they work and are not there for them every possible minute. They fear that their children will feel neglected and suffer as a result.
But who really knows what children need? And who says that you can only become a mother if you can play with excavators in the sandpit for eight hours a day? Who says that it is always better for children to devote your whole life to them?
I am the daughter of a non-working mother who has become alcoholic over the years from a wealthy district of Hamburg and I think that there is nothing better for children than balanced and happy parents. Even if that means that both of them are employed.
I have always wished my mother would be employed or at least have an equivalent, responsible job that she would fulfill and take up on her time. Work is certainly not a one-size-fits-all solution, but it would have significantly improved our situation. My mother's great love alone was not enough in our case.
This does not mean that mothers who can afford to stay at home with their children automatically run the risk of becoming alcoholic or being the worse mothers, for example. On the contrary: I always find it incredibly beautiful and at the same time almost surprising in today's times when mothers tell me that they have found the mission of a lifetime in bringing up their children.
These mothers, who devote their lives to their children with the greatest passion, are the best mothers for their children. However, in addition to the many advantages for mother and child, it can also harbor dangers if you give up your professional life out of love for your children and not out of actual conviction.
Depression is a serious threat. People who do not work, but would actually like to do so, have a significantly higher risk of developing depression than people who work. There is just a lot of time to think. The suffering of a child growing up in such circumstances is great.
The danger of over-nutation is another. Some children do not have to and are not allowed to walk to school alone and do not turn on a washing machine until they are twenty. You have time. The result is fifteen-year-olds who cannot find their way home from school and only learn to do their laundry when they are at university.
Inadequate control robs children of any space for free development. And to function as the only life project of a person – this idea is frightening at the latest in adulthood. What if parents' expectations remain unfulfilled?
Without a professional or other challenging task, the departure of the children sometimes marks the beginning of the end of a marriage, because with the offspring the last subject of the conversation between the spouses often literally moves out.
Mothers who never find or do not want to go back to work are often not taken seriously by their adult children. No one thanks you for giving up your own wishes, especially the children. Children are becoming more demanding and would like to learn from their parents all their lives. So all the better if you can also be a role model for them professionally.
Love for children cannot be measured by how much you give up your professional life for them. Because what results from it can be much worse than a childhood with parents who work – maybe even full-time – but are happy. Maybe they are not physically around the clock, but with all their hearts and minds with the children.
I am the mother of a three year old and have stayed home until today. I am doing my PhD at the same time. I can play with excavators for three hours, but the rest of the time my daughter plays with her friends in kindergarten or alone while I write. We get along great.
The best mother for her child is the one who is happy and loves her child. But as the daughter of a non-working mother, I will work – for my daughter's sake.