There are behaviors that mark the way we treat our children as "toxic". We will explain to you what these can be, where they come from – and how we as parents can improve.
Nobody is perfect, and no matter how hard we try, especially as parents, we make mistakes too. Often because we don't know any better. But also unconsciously, because we may not know it any other way. The Duden defines the term "toxic" among other things as "very malicious, dangerous, harmful, grueling". This can apply to a role model that society wants to convey to us, to a love relationship – and also to a style of upbringing.
1. Don't take children seriously
No question about it: it is often better not to want to drink another Coke right before going to sleep. Or put on a hat when the temperature is below zero. Or to apologize for pulling your girlfriend's hair. Just because we as parents have more life experience doesn't mean that we automatically know everything better. Taking our children seriously, listening to them, and putting our trust in them makes for a valuable relationship. Because only in this way can parents and children live on an equal footing.
2. Reflect on your own negative feelings about children
It is not always all peace and joy pancakes, mum and dad can cry, be angry or even be afraid. And discuss this with your children, be open, show feelings. But that doesn't mean that we should pass anger, anger or sadness on to our little ones, who probably can't even do something about it. If we're upset because things aren't going well at work, it's not our child's fault. Then we often get into the mindset that everything our fellow human beings do now is immediately wrong – adults can often understand and understand that, but children usually cannot. Then, before blaming Mum's sadness in yourself, it is better to talk to them about the situation beforehand. So that everyone can understand each other.
3. Preventing children from becoming who they want to be
Often we only want the best for our children: They shouldn't have any worries, as adults they should be financially secure and enjoy a good education. However, when this mindset slips, we focus only on what we want for others – not how that person sees himself. If our child just struggles at high school and does not get good grades, it may not be in good hands there. If your best friend's child doesn't like it, no one has to be forced to go on a play date either. And if your son feels most beautiful with glitter nail polish, then he can wear it, no matter what the others say. Who knows what it's good for – our kids probably know best.
4. Transferring one's own interests to the children – whether they like it or not
Who of us does not have those unfulfilled childhood dreams. Regardless of whether it was a dog, ballet lesson or a sibling – unfulfilled dreams accompany us into adulthood. And when we're too old to start a football career again or to take riding lessons, our children are sure to be happy! Or? Maybe it may be so. Perhaps your little ones also want completely different things – making it possible for our children to do what we were unable to do at that age is a nice basic idea. But nobody wants to torment themselves through eight years of piano lessons, no matter how proud mom is. We should therefore not forget that no matter how similar our children are to us: Everyone has the right to their own dreams. And shouldn't have to emulate the parents' illusions forever.
5. Show little empathy
"Close your eyes and through", "An Indian knows no pain" or "Now pull yourself together": Who rolls their eyes when you hear these sentences? Nobody likes to open up to their fellow human beings and then get hacked on the head by hackneyed phrases that are bursting with pragmatism. The same applies to our children. Even if it is difficult to imagine: being a child in 2021 is completely different from what it was for us back then. What we found difficult can – literally – be child's play for our children. And vice versa exactly the same. No matter how succinct the worries of our little ones may seem to us, we must not just turn them off and move on. Because then children may learn that their problems are not in good hands with their parents – and trust wanes.
6. Be overly critical
Our child gets a hard-fought good grade, but isn't it good enough for us? Constantly insisting on what can be done even better, looking for the smallest mistakes and making comparisons with other children, it wears little heads down. Because if you learn from an early age that you can never be good enough, at some point you may not even try. Or develops a wrong self-image, underestimates yourself continuously, becomes pathologically ambitious. Of course we should cheer our children on, motivate them and not always be satisfied with everything. But: the dose makes the poison. And sometimes you just have to lower your expectations – only to be positively surprised again. Who knows?
7. Just take care of yourself
Me-time, self-care, finding yourself, taking a deep breath: in hectic everyday life it is often easier said than done to take care of yourself. One thinks. Because focusing on yourself doesn't always take an hour to rest in the bathtub. We often do this unconsciously, all by ourselves. Are we going on vacation to Portugal because all family members could agree on it or because we really want to? Does the child have to go to bed earlier because they are really tired or because we want to be quiet? It becomes toxic when we no longer even notice that everything revolves around us. Because then we permanently neglect the needs of our children – because we question too little. So: Better to pause once more and take our loved ones in your arms. Then we don't need to have a guilty conscience when we retire for an evening with a good book.
It's better to ask more questions than just continue as usual
Just because someone follows the behavioral patterns listed above does not have to mean that the person is consciously doing it, meaning it badly, or wanting something bad for their children. Our parenting style is often based on what we got to know from our parents when we were little. However, we must not forget that the times in which we grew up can sometimes be very different from today's. And not everything that was okay for us also fits our own children.
Often, an individual and trusting exchange between all family members is a sure way to ensure that everyone is happy. Therefore, as parents, we should be careful when dealing with our children. So it doesn't hurt to question yourself more often. And if you suffer from toxic parents yourself, keep in mind that they are not the ones who are allowed to influence your self-esteem – because that is only up to you!
Sources used: "Self Care Advocates" via instagram.com