With their coming out on the joint Instagram account Coupleontour, Vanessa and Ina have dared to go public and since then have let the world participate in their lives – also when it comes to the desire to have children. Here you can find out why they chose this path and what difficulties they had.
As a rule, heterosexual couples do not have to deal with alternatives to natural conception, only if their desire to have children remains unfulfilled. With same-sex couples it is completely different, after all a “conventional” procreation within the constellation of two is not possible. So they have to consider other options – and that’s not so easy in Germany.
Vanessa and Ina made their love public on September 1, 2018 with a kissing picture on Instagram. The two post pictures of their travels, parties and private events on their @coupleontour account. They also documented their civil wedding, which took place almost three years later in June 2021. A year later, the next adventure awaits them. The two add another member to their small family. As perfect as her life on Instagram seems, the reality is a little different. The two still have to put up with hate comments on social media due to a lack of tolerance and acceptance. We spoke to Vanessa and Ina about their experiences, the wedding and their desire to have children.
Coupleontour: They show how wonderfully normal rainbow families can be
BRIGITTE: On September 1st, 2018 you made your love public and opened a joint Instagram account. How did that happen? And why did you choose this path?
Vanessa and Ina: At that point, we had no idea that we would ever be where we are today – with such an incredible community behind us. As we came to terms with our inner coming out, we felt a strong desire to let the whole world know we were a couple. Since we thought it would be a little weird to inform the former classmates and acquaintances that we are in a relationship, we decided to go a different way and created an Instagram account and uploaded a picture where we kiss us After a few minutes, the post got a lot of attention and after a short time the first messages reached us. They were very mixed: congratulations, amazement and also discrimination – we had everything with us and quickly knew that we couldn’t just stop with the account. We were able to empathize too much with the feelings of people who are still about to come out, who are not sure of their sexuality or who simply need more self-acceptance. So we kept the account.
How did those around you react?
Here, too, there have been mixed views. Lots of congratulations, but also a lack of understanding and, above all, uncertainty. Some thought we were into every woman we met. In the course of time we have noticed that a lot of educational work is still necessary.
You reported on YouTube that you both received an application on the same day. How did that happen? And how did you plan this special day?
We were only able to make this day so special with the support of Vanessa’s younger sister Laura. After the inner coming out wasn’t easy for us, we knew one day that we wanted to stay together forever and fight life together. Without having it in our heads, we both knew: We want to get married. We told Laura (each separately) about the plan to propose. We let her in on the upcoming plans so that she was able to steer the whole thing. So we owe the time management to her. It’s June 15th. and in the afternoon/afternoon Ina had the stage all to herself. She rented a private cinema and invited our closest friends there. On site, she showed a self-edited film with children’s pictures and memories and then asked me about it. The unsuspecting Ina was then thrown in at the deep end and thought that she was in for a surprise from her friends. In the evening she received an application from me in the rented hotel room above the roofs of Berlin.
The wedding followed last year – congratulations belatedly – how did you experience your big day?
Thanks for that. It was the most beautiful day of our whole life. So actually there were two. We experienced the registry office and the free wedding on different days because we had to postpone our celebration again due to the pandemic. It couldn’t have gone better. Despite the pandemic, we had the opportunity to get married outdoors and the weather cooperated. We were with loved ones and can still smile about the little mistakes, they are part of it. We have two wedding anniversaries and don’t even know which one to celebrate in the future – preferably both.
You have made your desire to have children public on your social media platforms. Was the desire for a family always there?
Our opinions are a bit divided on that. Vanessa has always seen herself with children, but I haven’t. But when the right partner comes into your life, then at some point it will be there, this desire to expand your own family and share your happiness. Of course, it’s not always the case that the desire to have children occurs, but that’s how it was for both of us.
You take your followers with you on your fertility journey. Why?
Clearly: To show that there are also children from rainbow families. In general, we don’t want to separate ourselves too much from other couples/parents. We want to accompany our lives and show that two women can live in a relationship and that there are many different family models in the world. It is often ignorance that makes one shy. We want to create visibility.
How does the public react to your desire to have children?
Mixed. Many people accompany us very much and put a lot of heart into it, while others find us “funny, disgusting, selfish”. We realize here that it is still important that we and many others are out there and we should not hide. Are we not entitled to have children because we are lesbians?
What difficulties do same-sex couples have when trying to have children?
Here we can only report from the lesbian point of view and there it is initially the case that only the biological mother is noted as the mother in the child’s birth certificate. In our case, Ina is my wife, but after the birth of our child, she will only be able to legally call it hers through stepchild adoption. In heterosexual couples, the married partner is always recognized as the father, even if he is not the biological father of the child. This process takes time and money, and presents challenges and fears for lesbian couples. The stepchild adoption, for example, also involves a visit from the youth welfare office at home and the submission of a certificate of good conduct.
What do you think should change?
A rethink needs to take place here. Therefore, we have launched a petition to bring about a rethinking in a timely manner. We think that everyone should have the same rights.
Among other things, you use your reach to support the LGBTIQA+ community. What is particularly important to you?
No one should be afraid to hide themselves. Not because of his sexuality, not because of the fear of being different. We want to encourage people. We didn’t have an account like that when we were younger and if we’re honest with ourselves, we could have known much earlier that we were lesbians, but we just didn’t dare to stand up for ourselves. We want to spare others that. So if you’re reading this, do what makes you happy and not others.
This article previously appeared on Gala.de.