Maybe-maybe-lesbians: Change sides

Once upon a time there were conventions and classic constellations

I've known that I'm a lesbian for 18 years. Whether I like men was never the question. The opposite sex interested me about as much as the results of the First Bundesliga. So not at all. That didn't make my life any easier. Over the years, my roller coaster of emotions has often gone up pretty high and then down again rapidly. I loved strong and weak women, big and small, very feminine – the scene calls them "Femmes" or "Lipstick Lesbians" – and boyish, the "Tomboys". Each one was different, each one was exciting.

But suddenly something is different when I meet new women. There are more and more among them who were previously in stable relationships with men and now want to change sides. And that makes my life even less easy.

I am researching the reasons and, among others, I am talking to the Danish sex therapist Ann-Marlene Henning. "Nowadays almost everything is allowed – masturbation, fetish, polyamory and even sex with partners of your own gender," she says. There is a new freedom of movement that runs through all areas of life. And new role models in sexuality were just part of it. It's no longer about conventions, classic constellations, man or woman, but about fulfillment. And in search of a fulfilling life, many women find for themselves: "I like women too."

Often the women come from frozen marriages in which there was no longer any real connection

The reason is surely also that they feel understood by a woman. Often the new possibly-maybe-lesbians come from marriages or relationships that have long been frozen. There was no longer any real connection. On their first time with a woman, they are often excited, curious, and then surprised at how much easier it is. It's more intuitive, more familiar, and more equal. A woman once said to me: "This is the best sex of my life. It's like sleeping with your best friend, but being more in love than ever." Because you are much closer and treat each other more tenderly. I think that's what a lot of straight women look for – and they're all the happier when they find it.

Maybe-maybe-lesbians are more intense and more lustful

For me, this means that the encounters with women who previously loved straight are more intense and more pleasurable on average. Because they give themselves more. Enjoy more. Because sex is as exciting for her as the first time ever. The only difference is that you no longer fumble around awkwardly like you were a teenager, you already know what's going on. Many are surprised when they orgasm the first time. That always shocks me a little. With the right partner, I have multiple orgasms and an insane symbiosis – that's crazy.

After a first night together, I often heard from the possibly-maybe-lesbians: "It's much softer and much more tender than with a man." This new feeling is so overwhelming that they want to share it with the whole world. And so do many. Certainly also inspired by celebrities like Cara Delevingne or Kristen Stewart, who are very publicly committed to their new direction. Showing up with women is also a zeitgeist phenomenon.

Instead of playing hide-and-seek, the motto these days is: openness to lesbian feelings

That is perhaps the most serious difference from before. Until a few years ago I felt that many women were not open about their lesbian feelings. They made secret appointments because not everyone had to know. Others led a double life for decades, indulging in a lesbian affair every few months. Today there are women in my circle of acquaintances who proudly call me because they broke up and are now lesbian. They are grateful that they are now living the life they have always wished for.

What does this mean for us lesbians? It changes the way you fall in love and show that. Sometimes it scares me a little. For example, there was this one woman I was with. She was married. Unhappy with herself and her relationship for years. She only had sex once a quarter. And then only out of the fulfillment of duty, because it is part of being together. It had little to do with lust. At some point she asked herself whether that could have been all by now?

We met at a party and kissed. And the kisses soon turned into more. "This will just be a bed story," we said to each other. She wanted to try herself, I would heal my lovesickness from an ex relationship. But actually I already knew then that I could fall in love with her. I did and it got dramatic.

Because that is precisely where the problem lay and so often lies: Those who try themselves out and rediscover their world often have no desire to get tied up again straight away. He wants adventure, experimenting and not the everyday life of the next long-term relationship. Outing is difficult enough, especially if it contradicts previous life. Because of this, many new lesbians have long been in the "possibly-maybe" status that so many relationships have today. You're somehow together, but still single. Just don't get too binding. And that back and forth quickly leads to a broken heart.

Openness is a privilege of our time

On the other hand, I also think it's great when people try things out and boldly go new ways. I like to be a part of that. And that is of course a very important point, says Ann-Marlene Henning: "It's not so much about new or old lesbians, men or women, young or old, but much more about knowing yourself and that to let the other see and feel. "

And in the end I think that the lesbian scene in particular, which very often demands more tolerance and acceptance, should be liberal and open with women who want to try themselves out first. That this openness exists is a privilege of our time.