A daughter who loves women, a son who likes men – that was long considered a taboo in families. Today, most people are more relaxed about queer people.
Christel von Winterfeld, 74, two sons, Großburgwedel near Hanover: “I was horrified and I felt so sorry for my son” One day, shortly before graduating from high school, Christoph came back from a bike tour with a friend, very upset. He confessed to us that he fell in love with this schoolmate. How is the boy coping with it? And what will people say? That was my first thought. Our environment is very conservative, the Winterfelds are an old Prussian officer family. My husband and I then sent Christoph to a psychotherapist. He was so upset, and we probably also hoped that he could be “cured”.
Today I get really angry when I hear something like this. Being gay is not a disease! But it took us time back then to face the fact that our son is gay. We had to accept it because we didn’t want to lose him. Christoph gave us books and sent us to a parent group. Then we went on the offensive: I founded Befah, the federal association of parents, friends and relatives of homosexuals, with other relatives. There I learned to speak openly about my gay son. That helped me alot. I later advised other parents on the helpline. I sent books on homosexuality to our relatives. Nobody responded. The subject remains very difficult in the family. Most of them still do not accept that Christoph is gay. Before celebrations, he is advised not to bring his friend with him.
Christoph von Winterfeld, 44, architect, Berlin: “I had learned in my family that being gay is not proper, it’s disgusting” My mother and I came a lot closer to each other when I came out. Before we had polite contact, now we can talk about our feelings. That was a long way, however. After telling my parents that I was in love with my school friend, we didn’t talk about the subject for years. They probably hoped it was “just a phase”. I struggled with myself a lot during that time. Because being gay completely contradicted the values of our national-conservative aristocratic world. Everything I’d heard about homosexuality until then had been full of disgust. And I was firmly convinced that I was somehow “wrong”. When I was in my early twenties, I read an article about a gay in Die Zeit. This broke the knot, because if such a reputable magazine reported positive reports – then it had to be okay. The story took place in Hamburg, and I moved there head over heels. When I saw how many gays there are, it lost a lot of its horror for me. I made it very clear to my parents that I was gay.
That’s what I call “my second coming out” today. This time I was more confident. And my parents reacted very differently than the first time. Perhaps they wanted to make up for the fact that they had hushed the subject for so long. My mother became active in the Befah, the federal association of parents, friends and relatives of homosexuals, she even went to the Christopher Street Day in Cologne. Sometimes I was almost embarrassed by such activism. But basically I love how much she wanted to help me.
Annette Borggräfe, 59, two daughters, one son, elementary school teacher, Hirschberg an der Bergstrasse: “When I met your friend, I felt: That fits” No grandchildren! Not a nice son-in-law! These thoughts crossed my mind when I started reading the book about homosexuality I bought shortly after my daughter came out. I started to cry and asked myself: did I, did we do something wrong? Is it the upbringing? A few days earlier, Julia had told my husband and me on the phone that she was with a woman. She was then 25. Up until then, queerness was practically non-existent in my world. The only gay I knew was my hairdresser.
I come from the Rhineland, a deeply Catholic area. We grew up there with the idea that same-sex love was something unnatural. That was one side. On the other hand, I am very curious about anything foreign. That also applied to Julia’s girlfriend at the time. When I saw the two of them together, I thought: That fits! I had often asked myself which man could be the right one for my daughter. Even as a child she was very boyish. The idea of having a love affair with a woman is still very strange to me myself. But for Julia it is the right way of life. She is now married to a woman and is very happy. That’s the most important thing. Today I believe that Julia is a lesbian, was so inherent in her. And I don’t have to worry about grandchildren either: I already have a granddaughter, two are on the way – one of them with Julia and her wife.
Julia Borggräfe, 34, lawyer, Berlin: “My parents had fewer problems with the fact that I love a woman than I did myself” It clicked when I saw “Claire of the Moon” when I was in my early twenties. The film tells the love story of two women and I was totally fascinated. After that, however, I fought with myself for a few more years until I could admit to myself that I was a lesbian. I grew up with very clear, rather conservative values. It just didn’t fit into my image of society to be with a woman. But at some point I was at a point where I had to make a decision.
The first time I kissed a woman it was a whole new dimension and I never wanted to go back. Everyone else – including my parents – had far fewer problems with my homosexuality than I did myself. Actually, I expected that they would totally fuck up. My mother probably got over the first shock when she met my girlfriend at the time. Suddenly a person was standing in front of her whom she found likeable and with whom she could talk well. With that, the theoretical concerns were off the table for the time being. She recently told me that love films with men and women can’t really be that exciting for me. I love the way she worries. It is more difficult when it comes to questions like: Are gays and lesbians allowed to have children? May holy marriage be opened for them? We discussed that vigorously – my mother is more open today.
Kirstin Fussan, 46, one son, employee in the Senate Youth Administration, Berlin: “First Nico came out. Then I. He’s gay, I’m a lesbian” Nico is gay, I am a lesbian. And we came out only six months apart. Nico started it, he was 14 at the time. When he told me, I was completely taken aback, my heart was beating like crazy. But a shock? No. Homosexuality was part of my life. I had a lot to do with gays and lesbians in my job, and there was always homosexuality among my friends too. Still, I was worried at first. Because of HIV, for example. That’s why we’ve talked a lot about safe sex. I trust Nico, but that’s still smoldering in the back of my mind. At the time, I also feared he might be bullied at school. Fortunately, that didn’t happen. And after coming out, Nico was happier again. Before that he had been very withdrawn.
I’m glad he came out so early and didn’t have to torment himself forever. For me, the process took longer. When Nico told me he was gay, I was right in the middle of it. But I needed my time. It was very difficult for me to leave my then husband, Nico’s stepfather. I put my feelings aside for a long time. Nico thought it was great when I was with my friend Sabine. He felt better understood by me. And his relationship with the stepfather had been difficult. Then Sabine moved in with us. I have very fond memories of that time: It was a real “woman’s household” with the three of us, we were free and happy.
Nico Fussan, 25, event technician, Berlin: “I already knew as a child that I was different.” I need a man !, I just popped my mother’s head when I was 14. Her lesbian colleague Sabine had just said the same thing about a woman and gave me a great template. I hadn’t thought long before how to teach my mother how to do it. Because I was sure that she would have no problem with a homosexual son. First, she is very tolerant. Second, I knew that she loved me and was always with me. For myself, too, the realization that I was gay was easier to process than for many others. Even as a child I knew that I was different. Then, during puberty, I discovered that there was a word for it: gay. The thought didn’t really frighten me.
When my mother knew, fantasy became reality. She sent me to a gay and lesbian youth group and opened up a new world for me. I suddenly had contact with other gays and there I met my first friend. I was 14 and he was 23. Some time later, my mother told me that she was going to leave my stepfather and that she was now with Sabine – the colleague who was also indirectly involved in my coming out. I thought that was great. As a gay boy, I now had a lesbian mother! And she was obviously very happy with Sabine. Today the two are married.