Chocolate bar yes or no? Ignoring tantrums in the supermarket? Three in a double bed? When it comes to raising children, new questions arise every day – and the partners do not always agree on the answers. Do you always agree – or do you often have arguments on questions of upbringing? There are a few rules you can use to avoid arguments about the children.
Raising children: how to avoid noise about children
The triggers are mostly small things: the chaos of toys in the living room, the endless discussions about going to bed, watching TV, about sweets. Sometimes the basics are also important: What values do we want to instill in our children? How much security, how much freedom and independence do you need? What things do we want to do differently or better than our own parents? When parents get into a fight about raising children, it doesn't have to be a huge row, because Solving conflicts is not that difficult if you stick to a few rules:
1. Avoid accusations
"You never do …", "If you would really love me …", "Wouldn't you have at least today …?" – Sentences that start like this are the knockout for a constructive discussion. Because they give the person attacked the feeling of always doing everything wrong. And nobody likes to hear that. "Behind every allegation there is a wish," says Hans Berwanger, a psychologist at the family counseling center in Lichtenfels, Franconia. And something can be made of it: If you try to formulate your criticism not as a reproach but as a wish, that sounds much milder – and you will achieve more. "I would be happy if you could put the children to bed once a week" sounds very different than: "You never put the children to bed!"
2. Take your time
Many small conflicts end in a big marital row because you don't take enough time in everyday life to talk about what's going well or wrong in the family. Hans Berwanger: "Anyone who speaks in good time about what bothers them and annoys them can usually avoid the big argument. Because friendly conversations that do not take place in an irritable mood defuse the tense mood enormously." It is best to make a fixed appointment once a week in order to then calmly discuss the good and bad of the past seven days!
3. Find solutions
The conviction that one's own opinion is always the better one does not prove itself in everyday life. Often there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong". "In a time-limited experiment, you can find out which conviction makes more sense for family life," suggests Hans Berwanger. "One week, for example, the father should bring the children to bed according to his own ideas, the other week the mother should design bedtime according to her own ideas." Then you can decide which method has proven itself and should be practiced in the future.
4. Make compromises
"Only a third of all problems can be solved," says Hans Berwanger. It may sound a bit frustrating, but it also has something to make things easier: it is not due to a lack of will if you cannot find a solution to a problem. It is all the more important to find ways for the other two thirds. For example, by making compromises. The magic formula for this: "I'm not of your opinion, but for your sake I'll do it now."
Example: Mothers are often more cautious than fathers. So if a mother forbids her four-year-old to practice cycling alone on the sidewalk because she is afraid something might happen, it would be a great token of love from the father if he respects her fears and also advocates that an adult always be there have to be. Even if he actually sees it differently.
5. Don't make children allies
An example: the father allows his children to watch the Muppets show even though the mother has forbidden it. "But only if you don't tell mom," he adds, throwing his children into nasty conflicts of loyalty. Adults make it easy for themselves with such secrecy: They shift the conflict, which they do not want to resolve themselves, to the child. "And that is so depressing for the child that 100 ice cream scoops cannot make up for it," says Hans Berwanger. His advice: "If you oppose your partner's educational measures, you have to stand by them and fight the conflict."
6. Distinguish "mom and dad" from "husband and wife"
Often, disputes about raising children are based on fundamental problems in the relationship. Women are dissatisfied because they feel that their husbands do not show them enough appreciation and fairness. For their part, men often feel overwhelmed by the demands of their wives and consider them excessive. Then it's time to take a closer look at the relationship, maybe even with professional help.
7. And with everything: keep a sense of humor
"Humor is a very important tool in resolving conflicts," says psychologist Hans Berwanger. So: Don't always take everything so seriously, sometimes let it be five. If the mother buys her son an ice cream, although the father has forbidden it beforehand, he can – instead of starting an argument – react to it with a wink and be happy about the cleverness of his child, who has made it again to get there.
This article originally appeared on Eltern.de.