You were looking forward to the day, secretly already making plans. Then your partner cancels. Why fear often sets in with a new love and what it feels like in relationships – an interview with couples therapist Eric Hegmann.
And suddenly there is this feeling. It sits deep in the pit of my stomach, as if someone had given me a small, unobtrusive blow, so fast that neither body nor psyche could prepare for it. Afterwards they contract now, send tension in the stomach and tears in the eyes. The intensity of my reaction surprises and overwhelms me at the same time. am i angry
No I’m afraid. My partner just told me he wants to spend the weekend alone. No big deal. A wish that I can rationally understand completely. After all, it’s me who often needs time for myself, who insists on independence and self-determination. I would have preferred to have had him with me at that moment. And looking into that canyon of near-distance wish that’s just spreading between us scares me of heights.
She is an old acquaintance, but I haven’t felt her for a long time. I inevitably find myself carrying her on my shoulders for the next few days, so exhausted by her weight that I can hardly feel the infatuation underneath. Or is it love? And is this only hiding under its significantly heavier partner, fear? Do these two feelings always go hand in hand?
I believe most conflicts escalate because of fear.
“I guess there really isn’t love without fear,” In an interview, Eric Hegmann confirms the unpleasant assumption that I would have preferred to deny. On this day I talk to the couples counselor from Hamburg about topics that bring couples to his practice in Hamburg. And suddenly we automatically end up with the feeling that I have right now sitting on my shoulders: “I am convinced that most conflicts escalate because of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of making the wrong choice“, says the expert, and it makes me queasy. If fear and love inevitably belong together, but this causes conflicts to escalate – isn’t war then inevitable?
Not quite. But it is important to understand where the fear comes from – and to ask why she is visiting us. If we let them in unquestioningly, they quickly forget their origins and trigger in us the same thing that a saber-toothed tiger taught them centuries ago: “The body is ready to switch to flight or attack mode at lightning speed Muscles are tense, perception is focused – and the mind is switched off to a certain extent,” explains Eric Hegmann. From an evolutionary point of view, this makes a lot of sense so that we don’t waste time thinking, but concentrate on surviving: “But it’s the same in relationship conflicts: If the problem triggers fear, the partners go on autopilot and become ‘wild animals that live in the same cage'”. So our fear can’t tell if we’re in the wild or in a safe partnership. A fight ensues.
Not nice of the fear of sending us into conflicts in this state, actually negligent. And because conflicts themselves seem very threatening, to be on the safe side, she stays with us. From their point of view: to protect us from further injuries. For us, however, this means that we subconsciously switch to avoidance mode and prefer to keep our distance. The fear on our shoulders finally took over the helm at that moment.
The good news: There is an antidote to anxiety
So far, none of this sounds like positive news, Mr. Hegmann. We actually wanted to reconcile ourselves with fear, if it’s already on us for a long time as soon as love comes. “The antidote to the fear that the connection will become insecure is to strengthen the connection,” says the counselor. There is the so-called 5:1 formula for this: “In order to compensate for a negative, stressful experience, you need five positive ones, i.e. situations in which the partner feels loved and safe.”
So if there is a crisis in the relationship, both partners can specifically intervene in order to calm the fear of loss with closeness. What can these five good experiences look like? “Setting positive impulses in everyday life, always communicating in a face-to-face manner, being mindful, expressing gratitude, these are the most effective strategies against fear. And, of course, reconciling oneself with fear.”, suggests Eric Hegmann. The latter poses the greatest challenge for many people, after all, fear usually seems greater than it is as soon as it sits on our shoulder. The couple therapist has a specific tip for this: “Think and say to yourself: I am anxious. You are not your fear.“
Finally, the expert gives me something to think about: Fear never wants anything bad for us – on the contrary, it wants to invite us to look at what threatens us at the moment. For example, if we are afraid of losing someone, it also shows us how much this person means to us. And that she sees the relationship with this person as worthy of protection. If we dare to look, fear can also do good things: “Not only can it put a strain on love, it can make love grow and make your relationship feel more and more secure.” encourages Eric Hegmann.