Psychology: Why we say "I hope you are fine!" shouldn't say anymore

"I hope you're doing well!"
Why shouldn't we say this sentence anymore?

"Hey you, I hope you are fine!"

Well, how many emails, Whatsapps and phone calls have you started with this phrase in the last few months – or have you received yourself? I am very many, and personally I cannot even exclude myself from them. The five little words seem like the ideal beginning (or end) of a conversation between people who know, maybe like, but are definitely not too familiar. They will definitely not become the latter either. Because the sentence actually conveys ignorance rather than interest.

Empty phrases instead of care

Especially in times of pandemics, we have made it our mission to take better care of each other. Not only our physical, but also our mental health was exposed to a new danger in the last year that lurked not only on every door handle, but also in every embrace with confidants. So when the wellbeing of all of us is exposed to a public threat from a virus, we want to show that we care for one another. Solidarity was the keyword for 2020, which was linguistically reflected in "stay healthy!" – wishes to "I hope you are fine" questions. Personally, I'm starting to feel a bit hypocritical about it.

In fact, to me the phrase implies the opposite of caring. It assumes that the other person is doing well – which is more the exception than the rule in the pandemic. At the same time he takes every space for contradiction. Because let's be honest: Nobody answers "I hope you are fine" with "no, unfortunately not". Because actually the sentence is nothing else than the Trojan horse for "please don't burden me with your problems".

The cracks in the everything-is-good facade

At the same time, he unconsciously transports this message to our counterpart and thus creates uncertainty. Almost everyone knows what it feels like to reply "thank you, everything is fine" when everything is actually "pretty modest" at the moment, it gives you a stomach ache. It tells us that we have to function – that something is wrong with us when we don't. And that there really is no more room for your own problems.

A "I hope you are fine" does not tolerate any contradiction. It is the framework of our fragile, superficial social construct of the don't-show-weak-mindedness. Isn't it time to rock it?

Do we really want to hear the answer?

So the next time we ask about someone's well-being, we should first ask ourselves whether we really care – and if we have the capacity to do so, if it doesn't match what we want to hear. If so, fine – then let's put the "I hope you are fine" but please in a "How are you?" transform and stop anticipating the answer to our counterpart.

And if you dare, just write back next time "honestly not so good". Currently, the chances are (unfortunately) not bad that the other person will feel the same way. And what then arises is the chance for an honest interest in one another – and that would be a nice form of solidarity.