Again, one did not help cleaning, the other did not pay half the rent. When living together with the partner, there can be disputes primarily because of organizational matters. But how should you handle quarrels within your own four walls? Couple therapist and author ("Relationally happy") Wieland Stolzenburg explains in an interview with the news agency spot on news how couples can keep a cool head in an argument and find compromises.
Couples who live together often have to deal with everyday problems. When there is a dispute: is it okay to avoid each other or should you solve problems as soon as possible?
Wieland Stolzenburg: When couples argue and are emotional, there are actually two injured children who need a lot of love and appreciation, but who get exactly the opposite. Couples should learn to diverge at such moments because there is usually no solution in this emotional state.
For example, when the going gets tough, you should set a rule, such that as soon as someone says a certain word, the conversation is paused for now. This offers the chance to withdraw and to deal with yourself first. Otherwise, when there is an emotional dispute, you end up in a downward spiral very quickly. Interrupting this is especially important at home.
I also recommend: No quarrels after 9 p.m. At the end of the day, you are exhausted and therefore much more sensitive when issues arise – a solution is even more difficult to find. If both are capable, they could instead hug each other and agree to continue discussing the topic tomorrow.
So is it okay to postpone discussions?
Stolzenburg: Postponing a dispute holds opportunities. In the fight we feel frustration and maybe even hostility towards our partner. However, problems cannot be solved with such emotions. You can only find an approach if both are a little calmer and listen to the other person instead of just fighting for their own cause.
Topics should not be left behind, but you can postpone them so that both are later in better shape to talk to each other in peace.
In such situations, is it too much to spend the night with a friend and avoid the other completely?
Stolzenburg: It depends on the couple in question whether this is an effective solution. For some, the "I'm staying at a friend's house" could cause great anxiety and make the whole situation worse. Other couples could benefit from it. However, it is important to clarify this in a quiet moment and to find an agreement. It should be a joint decision that is okay for both.
Couples who have been living together for some time may feel that the relationship has fallen asleep at some point due to the routine. That too can lead to disputes and dissatisfaction. Is there a trick to prevent this from happening?
Stolzenburg: It is helpful to break out of the routine and get creative from time to time. For example, by having dinner together at the weekend and driving independently to the restaurant and pretending to be on a date for the first time. Even a short city break can give the relationship a boost. Getting out of the routine means trying something new.
Couples also benefit if they don't do everything together and everyone has time for their own friends, hobbies or travel.
It is important for couples with children to find a routine in which they can spend time together, without children or housework. For example, every Thursday evening is reserved for this couple time. One partner thinks about what to do, the next time the other organizes something – also as a surprise.
Expectation also plays a major role: It helps to realize that, as in all areas of life, a partnership can become routine after a certain amount of time and can thus become boring in a certain way. However, this should not automatically be seen as a negative development, but always bring a little variety into everyday life and make it clear that a long-term partnership has many positive sides, such as trust, togetherness or security.