Stress resistance in children? Does not have to be

The pandemic strains our nerves wherever it can: hardly any social contacts, managing work and school from home, the fear of the disease – what burdens us adults also affects our children. And that with sometimes dangerous long-term consequences, as a current study shows. Katie Hurley is a psychotherapist and author who works primarily with children and adolescents and explains for "Psychology Today" why our children can be everything – but not necessarily stress-resistant.

Stress resistance makes you steadfast, but does not protect

To be resistant to high pressure, to remain steadfast, even in difficult situations – that doesn't sound bad at first. "Close your eyes and through" was a standard phrase in the generations before us, closely followed by "An Indian knows no pain" or "Now pull yourself together". They all imply a strong character, strength of will, come what may. Hurley emphasizes that stress resistance means not being disturbed by difficult situations, that one can adapt well to the circumstances. According to the psychotherapist, it wouldn't help to protect us from stress or pressure, but: "It helps people withstand adversity."

"A long-term goal"

But that doesn't happen overnight, it takes time, a strong social network, and self-confidence and love. Hurley compares this process to building muscle: you work in small steps, learn, grow and practice new strategies, she writes: "It's a very long-term goal." For us, this also means: Our children cannot be stress-resistant from now on. And: right now is not the best time to acquire this skill. Because social contacts are missing, practicing "self care" is often easier said than done when we have hundreds of thoughts floating around in our heads. So what can we do to better help our children through these times?

Meet them where they are and feel what they are feeling.

According to Hurley, parents can help their children develop tolerance for distress and stress and develop coping skills. And that by meeting our children where they are. And try to empathize with what is going on inside them.

"It's okay not to feel okay."

So if our children don't have to – or can – be stress-resistant, how are they supposed to deal with homeschooling, being alone or boredom? When we notice our child has a problem, our first reflex is often to resolve it as quickly as possible. We want to protect you from bad experiences, negative thoughts or discomfort. Our protective instinct is natural and a good thing. And yet, especially in these difficult months, we have to learn to help our protégés in a different way. Hurley writes that it is important that children and teenagers are allowed to feel and act out all feelings – even the supposedly bad ones: "It is a better tactic to encourage our children to work on their feelings and suffering by using them as name such. "

Show empathy and understanding

Negative thoughts quickly find their place in our minds – it takes practice to think positively, says Hurley. And our children also need a kick-start and a kind of scaffolding in order to tend to remain optimistic even in difficult situations, she explains. "Think positive" is by no means sufficient for this. Instead, we can show our children that we understand them and take their problems seriously – thus encouraging them to manage stress on their own.

Return to the "basics"

Hurley also emphasizes that the days that we currently see as "everyday life" have little to do with life before the pandemic: "It's hard to focus on self-care when you sit in the chair all day and participate in video lessons. " According to the psychotherapist, it helps to find a sleep routine with the children that calms them down. Or cook with them, incorporate small workouts to create movement. While there is no no easy plan to get through these tough times, Hurley said. But: If we take our children and teenagers together against stress and problems, we all benefit.

Media used: psychologytoday.com