Dating, moving in together, getting married, having a baby. This is how many imagine their love path, already marked out. A model of "perfect relationship" called "the escalator of relationship" which would prevail over all the others, but you still have to want to conform to the standards of society …
In the collective imagination, associated with social pressure around the couple, the "work – marriage – child" scheme looks obvious. This is what the concept ofrelationship escalator. The goal, at the top of the escalator, is to achieve a monogamous, cohabiting marriage, buy a house and have children. If there is nothing wrong with adhering to this specific path, it is seeing and imposing it as the only valid relational model that is problematic.
What is the relationship escalator?
According to the Urban Dictionary, the bible of slang and popular language, the relationship escalator reflects "The social expectation that a romantic relationship should automatically go through a set of stages and lead to marriage, parenthood and home ownership". For the Internet user who proposed this definition, this term is "Mainly used by those who would like to get off the escalator".
The concept was originally invented by Amy Gahran in a book called Off the Relationship Escalator, Uncommon Love and Life. The author explains that it is a "The standard by which most people assess whether a developing intimate relationship is meaningful, 'serious', good, healthy, committed, or worth continuing or maintaining". In other words, the relationship escalator is a set of beliefs and social expectations that most people grow up with and which in turn condition their intimate relationships.
The user of the English-speaking dictionary lists some examples that come out of the escalator and may be socially frowned upon: “If you have sex on a first date, a lot of people think your relationship can't, or shouldn't, get more serious afterwards. If you're moving in with someone, moving again usually means the relationship is over. Being polyamorous or participating in other forms of non-monogamy is also not being on the escalator of the relationship. " And that is the whole problem with this relational schema after all: it is excluding and heteronormous.
What are the stages of the relationship escalator?
Traditional relationships go through eight stages – that's the escalator. These can vary somewhat depending on the culture and subculture. But in general, it works like this:
1. Flirt
2. Become sexually and emotionally monogamous
3. Define the relationship (public presentation as a couple)
4. Move in together
5. To marry
6. Buy real estate and share the finances
7. Have children
8. Aging together
Why is the relationship escalator a problem?
The relationship escalator is not inherently bad. There is nothing wrong with being monogamous, moving in together, getting married, or having children. The problem is rather think that this pattern prevails over all others. What is singled out is the constant pressure that society puts on couples and singles to fit within the boundaries of this structure, in the order in which it is presented.
In an article for the American site Greatist, author Gabrielle Smith, who writes on sexuality and romantic relationships, deciphers: “The relationship escalator is designed for heterosexual relationships between singles and preferably for relationships in a middle-class two-earner household. Many people are not part of this demographic, and those who do are still suffering from the pressure it exerts. Society tricks you into believing that it is easy to get married, have children, or combine your finances. But the reality for many is that it is neither possible nor wise. "
If things change little by little, single women are still subject to social pressure to settle down and to the injunction to the couple. For their part, men must at all costs provide financial support for their families in order to be "real" men.
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Many people deal with their relationships differently and love them just as much. Love is not a one size fits all solution. So, how do you get rid of these injunctions?
How to get off the relational escalator?
“I have always lived my life openly, but not everyone is so lucky. My parents accepted the fact that they probably won't have grandchildren from me. They accepted the fact that I am gay and polyamorous. I never gave them the opportunity to do otherwise. So how did I get to this? "Gabrielle Smith writes, referring to her own experience.
The young woman then gives some advice to get away from this pattern. It invites you first to accept who you are and your own life path, then to assert your limits. “For example, if your mom keeps asking you questions about your grandchildren and it makes you uncomfortable, tell her to stop. If she keeps pushing and it becomes a problem, maybe it's time to reconsider how much you want to let these people into your life ”.
“Surround yourself with like-minded people,” advises the author. "Create your own family", in order to be surrounded by allies who will know how to validate your life choices. "Once you let go of the idea of what your relationship should be like, the whole world opens up to you. So go ahead and find the relationship that's right for you! ", Gabrielle Smith concludes. We couldn't have said better.